I timed the Capital Area Cross-Country Championships today...this was bitter sweet in many ways... I won this race 32 years ago...my sister won it 26 years ago...I coached several individual champions and won several team titles as a coach...if my life had played out the way I thought it would I would have been there as a coachtoday and not as the race timer...but I have learned that life is unpredictable and people...even the ones you love and trust the most are not who they appear to be...so today was tough... and wonderful as well.
It rained and then it stopped...and then it rained...and then it stopped...if my mood could be characterized by weather then this was perfect. John Goegel...the founder of this meet greeted me at the track with a hug and genuine concern about my well being...he is a good man...and he knows that what happened to me was bad...wrong and bad...but like me...he is a consummate student of the universe. In his first year of retirement he has built a replica of Thoreau's Cabin behind his house... I love this guy!!! I met Mr. Irving...a white bearded man with a leather hat who knew me from "all the newspaper stuff" he had read. At the end of the night he told me that he understood how I felt...and that I was indeed blessed to have the chance to know who my real friends are and who they aren't. I have had many surprises over the past two years in this regard. I have neighbors who will not look me in the eye...and people who hardly knew me bring me into their lives and love me unconditionally. Most of us go through life thinking we know who are friends are...sometimes it takes a situation like mine with the school district to show us the truth....so I am blessed...
Concord runners won both the girls and the boys races.... and the Concord girls took home the team title...as they should have...last year they didn't even go...which was a major embarrassment to Concord High.This meet is one of the oldest running meets in NH and was started with just four teams, Concord, Brady, Merrimack Valley and Pembroke Academy...for the Tide to no show was a major snub... I am glad that they showed up this year...
I saw coaches, former athletes, former colleagues, parents....they were all there...I delivered a quality event...I care about that...the people who know me know.....they just know.... those who shy away are swayed by false accusations and anonymous public opinion....they say a lie takes just a moment to become true while the truth is lacing up it's shoes one mile behind...I live this reality every day of my life...
My eating as fine...I am really quite content foraging as my cave men and women ancestors did for fruit, nuts, and vegetables while the men hunt (or in my case grill) the meat. I have crossed over, I am no longer trying to count down the days...I have become this new me...and while I miss the pasta, and while I cringe when former athletes are afraid to say hi to me and current CHS coaches drop their eyes I know...with every thread of my being who I am ...and those who took part in what happened to me know who I am as well... and you see, they are still eating the Honey Buns and drinking the soda, fooling themselves into believing that their actions were and are okay...I, Barbara Higgins...am fine...and although tears stream down my cheeks as I type....and the loss of what I love still brings me to my knees...I...AM...FINE....I am the karma nudger...I am me...Just Barb
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