30 for 30 Day Four

Terry Fox ran across Canada...or atleast he tried to. For those of you old enough to remember the year 1980 he was a distance runner and a cancer survivor. He had lost his leg to the disease and long before there was a bracelet color and official event for the many forms of cancer that take lives daily he ran across the country to raise awareness of the disease. He died before he could complete his journey but his compelling story made him famous worldwide. As I was channel surfing through the guide this morning over my first cup of coffee I came across a show called "30 for 30". Ofcourse, it caught my interest given my current involvement in a challenge by the same name. It wasn't a show about crossfit at all...it was a documentary on Terry Fox. I had been running for just a year at the time of his death and he became my first running hero. Being an asthmatic was a big part of my running story, overcoming sickness to become an elite runner. Stories of athletes overcoming physical challenges and achieving athletic success have always intrigued me. I had never been really good at anything before running so I read everything I could about running, runners, and all things related to running. That someone as young and fit as Terry Fox could die of cancer was scary in 1980...it is scary now as my list of loved ones (and famous personalities) affected by cancer has grown expoenetially so of course when I cam across the show this morning, I had no choice, in my sugar and processed carbohydrate deprived state to attach meaning to it. Why, afterall, would I see it on this day? The coincidence seemed well...big...but not that big...I didn't watch the show. I was feeling under the weather so instead I watched "The Vow" which has no relevence what so ever to this post except that the main charcacter, a girl who loses her memory, finds her way right back to where she was when she lost it. Her life worked out just like it was supposed to...she got back to the life she had been living at the time she lost her memory. A true "chick flick", it is based on a true story....and that did get to me.
I am a really good coach. I don't say that to brag but I am a good motivator and I know how to make people run fast...especially female distance runners. I have a gift of taking uncertain runners and transforming them into confident successful runners.  I miss it...painfully somtimes.....so Terry Fox.. The Vow...looking back on my old life and wondering if I will ever get it back....and feeling sick with this cold...and really wanting to eat that Honey Bun in the kitchen made for a less than happy start to Day Four. All this self reflection...all this thinking...bah...I ate another of my now famous (well to me anyway) omelets and set about the tasks of the day...I had to get busy...laundry...children...clutter.
When I was at Dimond Hill Farm later getting veggies I asked about those ginourmous eggs I have been eating...come to find out...they are DUCK eggs....yup...here I was imagining this chicken with a baratone chirp and really I was eating duck eggs. (thruth be told I was a little embarrassed). After that I went to Hannafords. I usually shop at Ghetto Basket downtown but Hannafords has a better selection of organic foods, nuts, and meat. It seemed to make sense. I hate the gorcery store, I hate cooking, I hate all that goes along with it. We have been through this and in my sad state of mind I was really struggling. I came home, made a big bowl of trail mix and carried on with my day. I bought enough chicken and pork for the week and baked that in the oven. We had turkey burgers for dinner with corn and green beans. My requisite shakes and some grapes have left me nutritionally satisfied for another day. I have succeeded in completing four days of healthful eating. But I am still sad...and although I have steadfastly clung to my assertation and proclamations of havng no issues with food I have to admit a giant bowl of butter crunch ice cream would really make me feel better right now. Or a sleeve of Fig Newtons and a tall glass of milk, or maybe just a bowl of Cheerios...all of those things would make me feel better...carbs...comfort foods...sugar...give me some seratonin...a little dopamine release...
My big realization, after all of this sadness and cooking is that what I have saved myself from all of these years by leaving "fast barb" at track practice and not bringing "in the gym barb" out of the gym is that I have given myself the ultimate shield for failure. I have a lifetime excuse...well I could have run faster if I was healthy, I could lift that weight is I was younger...so did Terry Fox fail becasue his effort to traverse Canada was cut short? Is the woman from the vow happier now than she would have been had she never lost her memory? Had I not lost my old life would I have come to find White Mountain Crossfit and Robyn Grant and Flipz? If I adhere to this challenge and don't improve in the gym will I be a failure? Does it matter? Ahhhh...enough...I am going to bed....on to day five!

WMCF 30 for 30 Day 3 (habits)

So this one was tough...I time road races on the weekends...which requires me to do something I dislike even more than watching what I eat... getting up early...really early...still dark out early...so my typical road race timing breakfast is purchased at Dunkin Donuts roughly 15 minutes after my alarm goes off and just before I get on the highway...(you see where this is going right?) As I set my alarm last night I had to give myself time to actually prepare a breakfast that would hold me over...I would have to...(gulp)...cook.
I would like to think my coaches would be proud...I mean I had chicken and potatoes and carrots for dinner. I supplemented with a protein shake before coaching (water not milk this time) and I didn't even crave the nightly sweet...(yay me!) and then as I was drifting off to sleep feeling oh so sorry for myself I thought about how lucky I am really to have the ability to complain about cooking from my plentiful kitchen. As the weather gets cold and the plight of those living in exteme poverty can become glaringly obvious who am I to complain...as I said in my first post...food is more than fillling your stomach....except when it isn't...it is a luxury and a basic right at the same time.
Soooooo...I made myself a ginormous omelet....I say ginormous because these eggs I bought at Dimond Hill Farm were HUGE and I used FOUR of them...I did not want to be hungry later on. I added a potato from the night before, some salsa, peppers and onions...yup..at 5:00am I made me a yummy breakfast...and while my sister and race timing partner ran into Dunkins for her breakfast sandwich and flavored coffee I sipped my fresh brew from home and nibbled on some trail mix... bananas and apples and carrots completed the snacks...
My next challenge...a baby shower....fried foods, grocery store pepperoni, soda, chips, CAKE...all around me. I wasn't hungry, but refusing food can appear rude...what to do what to do...as I chatted with the guests and avoided the kitchen I started to itch and wheeze...alas, there was a dog (I am allergic to dogs)....if there is one thing that can kill my appetite it is having an asthma attack...my constricting airways saved me from sure disaster...although I wanted to stay...(who doesn't like to look at all those cute baby clothes?) I made a hasty exit....crisis averted...seriously only I could look at an asthma attack as a blessing...the marvel of modern medicine (read albuterol) and a change of clothes had me blending a fruit/protein smoothie with in minutes of getting home. I am sipping it as I type...watching the Crossfit Games on my DVR....
While my 30 Meetings in 30 Days all those years ago was tough...that was mostly about scheduling. The rest of my day I didn't even think about drinking...la-la-la...busy busy me...I can avoid with the best of 'em...ending my binge drinking career was easy since I lived in Webster NH at the time and didn't have access to keg parties or Kenmore Square night clubs...these past three days have been tricky....as a convenience eater I want to grab it and go... I can avoid it all I want...my growling tummy will remind me all too quickly that I have to deal with it yet again...today the challenge has had me pondering the changing of habits....those cigarette commercials that show people putting their pants on wrong and driving into mailboxes because they aren't holding a cigarette come to mind... some addictions and/or unhealthy behaviors have not only the physical component, but the habit (or contextual) component as well. My first husband (that is a blog for another day) had been a 20 year chain smoker. When I met him he had simply replaced lighting one cigarette with the last to using the wrapper of a new slice of gum to throw away the one already chewed. That man chewed three packs of gum a day. He had conquered the nicotene but not the habit. I feel that this will be my struggle...well this and flexibility....but again a blog for another day.
Today is my rest day so I am spending what is left of it on the couch with my Gracie B. watching TV (she is a Spencer Hendel fan and made an animated cartoon character doing a snatch better than I can on her DS)....tomorrow, along with this continued food challenge I will have to address those supplemental activites that are to accompany this 30 day food fest...really Jon...burpees??? God help me. I think I will roll around on a tennis ball for a while..that always makes me feel better...

30 for 30 Day Two

Bob Sevene, my Nike coach during the mid 1980's once told me I had more discipline than any athlete he had ever coached. I never missed a workout, I did the workouts as they were prescribed and I followed directions well during races. I trusted my coach. In the same breath he told me that I had  less commitment than any athlete he had ever coached and this frustrated him. I was the model athlete at practice, but once I got in my car and went back to my regular day to day activities it was as if I forgot all about running fast. I look back on this with some regret. I may never have missed a practice, but I showed up hungover, or without my inhaler, or on an empty stomach, or on inadequate sleep... the list goes on and on. I wasn't willing to take my athletic behavior off the track and practice it in my day to day life. When I think about my recent irritation over having to think about food I realise that it really isn't about the food at all...it is more about the apsects of training that do not come easily to me. My "I want to eat what I want when I want it" attitude regarding food is really a two year old temper tantrum over anything that requires a level of sacrifice and monitoring that I am not readily willing to take. This humbling reality hit me at the gym this morning mid workout. It wasn't pretty. It really made me mad.

When I approached Jonathan Farwell, my current Crossfit coach regarding my leveling off in workout performance recently he had two directives for me. Stop eating sugar and start working on my mobility. While I have delved somewhat into the mobility training the food piece has not changed... until yesterday. This food challenge ends on October 27th, the day White Mountain Crossfit will hold it's Annual Barbells for Boobs Fundraising event. My goal is to be able to complete the workout "Grace" as it is prescribed. Thirty clean and jerks for time at 85lbs. I can do it with 75 pounds but this doesn't count for the "in the gym" Barb. "In the gym" Barb wants to RX that mother. But what about "day to day" Barb? When I asked my other coach Brad Newbury (and Jon who was standing nearby) how (and if) I could get to 85 pounds by October 27th they laughed and then had two directives for me. Stop running so much and eat steak three times a day! The steak part was somewhat tongue in cheek but there it was again...food...diet....supplemental training...behavior outside the gym that I needed to change to improve inside the gym. Seriously?? My mid workout meltdown this morning had me right back to track practice in 1987 hearing the same message from my other coach. Clearly, I haven't figured this part out.

So day two...I was able to finsh Day One pretty well. I had pumpkin and squash ravioli for dinner with tomato sauce. This was home made ravioli and although the pasta is definitely not "clean" the ravioli's were home made all natural and expensive! I supplemented with 6 jumbo shrimp. The tomato sauce had no sugar or preservatives. My dessert, some frozen grapes. As I type mid way through day two I am developing a pattern. So far today two bananas, a protein shake with all natural applesauce and farm milk, nuts and seeds. (And the coffee...must have the coffee...it is getting darker). Lunch was a big bowl of tunafish with peppers, carrots, cucumbers, cheese and a sprinkling of olive oil. More almonds and walnuts and yogurt covered raisins. I will protein shake it up again before gymnastics and then plan a big yummy omelet for dinner. When Gary offered up the Honey Bun I politely and firmly explained my situation. He promised to keep the honey buns out of my line of sight...
I know it's just food, and for someone with "no apparent issues" around food I have rambled on and on about it, but really...this forthought and application of practice and commitment to gym behavior outside the gym brings up every area of my life that has shown a weakness or a struggle... that's the beauty and the irony of it I guess...
My Dad used to tease me about racing on the track...who can get no where the fastest he would joke as most of  my races started and finished on the same line. I would reply that the exactness of it, the precision in the execution of that perfect race was what I loved most about it. A track was a track...your time meant something. But this returning to the same place over and over again is taking on a new meaning...and as I complete day two, I am not sure how I feel about that.
On to Day three...

30 For 30 The Clean Diet Challenge at White Mountain Cross Fit

Thirty For Thirty reminds me of an AA challenge called 30 IN 30 which is comprised of attending 30 AA meetings in 30 days in an effort to get a struggling alcoholic sober, or at least dry.  I participated in this during my twenties when I was in the process of putting an end to my college drinking career. It worked! Once the alcohol was out of my system I had a new group of friends with whom to create new habits and activities. As any self respecting former drinker does, I continue to flirt with the seductive powers of alcohol but I am a far cry from that person. Alcohol has been just one of my many addictions and the only drug related one. Food has not. I have no addiction to food. I just don't care to be hungry, I am not a fan of food preparation, I detest throwing up and I am too busy to cook. So as a Division I Track Athlete in college during the 1980's, a time when the prevalence of eating disorders among distance runners was high, this did not affect me. "I have no issues wih food". I would proudly state. And for the most part this was true, except that there in lies the rub. I absolutely DO have issues with food. I do not like beng restricted by a food plan or diet. I want to eat what I want when I want it in the amount that I choose. Given my thin build and apparent ability to consume high calories with no weight gain I have fooled myself into thinking that I can eat what ever I want. And I can, calorically speaking. Except being a person with a chronic medical condition (asthma) and an elite athlete (running and crossfit), eating the right food should be as imortant to me as completing a workout. I never miss a workout, and I seldom turn down a Hostess Honey Bun. So there it is, I am a health educator married to a guy who sells junk food (Faretra Vending) and outwardly it would appear that I have found my perfect life! All I have really done is prove that for me, and many others, food is about far more than noursihment for the body. It is personal, it is cultural, it is used to bring people together and drive them apart. It is emotional. Typical diets vary vastly by geographic region, socio-economic status and personal preference. There is nothing simple about food.
So back to the 30 for 30. I belong to White Mountain Crossfit here in Concord, NH. We periodically shake things up at the gym by having "challenges." For the next 30 days the challenge for anyone willing to take it is to "eat clean". This essentially means no sugar, no processed carbs, no grains and no dairy. Many Crossfitters follow a generally Paleolithic Diet which places a heavy emphasis on animal protein, vegetables, seeds, nuts and some fruits. Basically anything a caveman could have hunted or foraged for and eaten in it's simplest form. As a person of slight build I need calories, so I include moderate amounts of dairy. I also supplement with a whey protein shake twice a day. I add frozen fruits to this shake as well as plain yougurt sometimes. It sounds easy and relatively simple to follow, but when Gary (my husband's partner) leaves me a honey bun on the porch steps tomorrow morning I will have to consciously choose NOT to eat it. This makes me mad. It frustrates me. I really do not want to have to think about this. But for atleast the first few days, think about it I will. No licking the extra fluff off the knife as I make lunches for my daughters, no diet coke, no grabbing a Klondike Bar from the freezer on my way to bed. I will have to think about food.
In my years as a health educator and track coach the subject of food and addiction came up alot. I always encouraged my runners and students to try with all thier might to avoid flirting with eating disorders and/or disordered eating. As a typical college binge drinker, all I really had to do was avoid alcohol to break my pattern of unhealthy behavior. There is no avoiding food. I will have to create new and better habits as I am surrounded by anything and eveything you might buy in a vending machine. That white vending truck in my driveway is  no less sweet than the candy house in the forest stumbled upon by Hansel and Gretel. I will be the alcoholic getting sober at the corner pub.
As I write this I am 2/3 through day one. I am not hungry or craving food. So far I have had 2 bananas, a carrot, and a bowl of trail mix for breakfast chased down by three cups of coffee (with local farm fresh milk) and a protein shake. My lunch was a three egg omelet with peppers, onions, homemade salsa and a small amount of cheese) and I have had raw almonds and an apple for a snack. I feel pretty good. I am drinking water and will make a shake for my pre-coaching afternoon snack. I haven't thought about dinner yet, and I won't. I refuse to have any issues with food. I will create an acceptable dinner when the time comes, I refuse to be consumed by this. (This refusal being my biggest issue...). Day one is on it's way to being over...let's hope the frozen grapes taste as good as the Klondike bar come bed time.