"Seven.....I'm in Seven...." okay the real lyric is Heaven and I do NOT feel that this is where I am, but today was a great example of me forgetting to eat and then cobbling together several snacks that contain all of the nutrients and calories I am supposed to get...it was so typically me it was laughable...too busy to focus on what really matters, with tasks that could have been completed in a timely manner day to day...
I had a home day where I could get caught up with my online teaching work, answer emails, fill out a mountain of paperwork so my family can continue receiving medical assistance, reply to road race timing emails, workout and then of course the taxiing of my children here there and everywhere. The only thing that saved me was all of the pre-prepared as well as left over meat in my fridge, and the veggies, and the whey protein shakes...cheese and grapes...the one last banana...I perform best when I have a timed schedule...if I have 20 minutes to complete a task it takes me 20 minutes, if I have three hours it takes me three hours...and I also procrastinate so when I get these home days I typically have a week's worth of catching up to do... so on this day I did what any highly motivated mover and shaker would do...I did laundry...totally unnecessary laundry. When I finally sat down at the computer and began my litany of tasks ten minutes was suddenly three hours.
I did the 1:00 Crossfit Class so I did, at least, have my big veggie omelet at 10:00...along with my usual snacks...it is after the class where things fell apart...no time for a second meal...so I cram a piece of chicken down my throat washed down with coffee and water, grab the rest of the baby carrots and a protein shake and rush off to daughter shuttling and coaching. Today is Wednesday (on Wednesdays we wear pink) so it is allergy shot night. By the time I got home it was 8:00pm and I had consumed exactly ONE meal and a variety of healthy but none-the less "drive by " type snacks. I weighed less at the end of the day than the beginning. A two pork chop dinner with corn and tomatoes saved me and I went to bed full...and although there is nothing exciting in this post I really had my "behavior" thrown into my face today. It comes up in conversations, it comes up in my thoughts, and it evokes memories....."Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it...." This is me...
There was a period of my childhood that was extremely chaotic. Lack of money, alcoholism, fighting parents, abuse, fear, anxiety...from roughly age 8 to 13 most of my memories seem to be framed by either cloudy skies or the dark of night. Children are resilient and have remarkable ways of coping with stressors that they can not control. My coping mechanism was filling my life with so many activities that there was no time for me to think. In 5th grade, 1973, when the majority of children walked home to their stay at home Moms, changed into play clothes and wandered outside to find their friends I was a fully scheduled being. Monday was choir rehearsal and swim team, Tuesday was girl scouts, Wednesday was piano lessons and swim team, Thursday was youth group, and Friday was swim team. I also played violin in the school music program. By staying so busy, I could focus on the current task at hand. It would all fall apart...this manipulation of my emotions if my mother was even 3 seconds late picking me up at night. I would become hysterical sometimes...these were tough times and while I am glad that (aside from my stellar college binge drinking career) I didn't fall prey to other more negative coping mechanisms, my busy schedule continued throughout high school, (cross-country, track, dance, drama club, a job), college, (cross-country, track, job, volunteer coaching, extra classes) and into my professional career (full time teaching, Walker School Track, Track Camp, coaching three seasons of high school sports for 12 years, Princeton Camp, Road Race Timing, Team Breakfasts and events, raising two daughters). Since losing my job almost two years ago I have had to face long periods of time alone....I prefer busy...my current schedule should be perfect for attempting to change food habits as I allegedly have ample time to prepare new and exciting foods...but the voices in my head are quick to say "whoa....slow down there little buddy...do some laundry and organize the recycling....NO thinking allowed..." and so when I do manage to sit at my laptop, just feet from my kitchen and plow through three hours of work, all the while ignoring my loudly grumbling stomach, or quickly quelling it with a banana or carrots with almond butter it is 1973 all over again. It is amazing how little food it takes to make me stop feeling hungry...and it is amazing how much I want to avoid thinking...let me be clear...I have no trouble feeling, in fact I wear my emotions on my sleeve all the time. I only buy clothing that has the sleeve attachments for emotions, or I wear sleeveless tops as my feelings are tattooed there on my arms...the flippant humor in my blog posts...oh yeah that is me not wanting to think...or seriously acknowledge all of the things following this food plan is bringing up... So the positive???? I feel much better! Physically that is, and I am actually pretty amazed how un-tempted I am by the junk foods I live amongst...I would, afterall, have to admit it here if I ate them so that helps...so as I wrap up day seven, no processed sugar or carbs or food have entered my body... and I am still relatively myself....just a healthier version:) Oh and busy, did I mention busy?? Yeah...I am busy.
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