Terry Fox ran across Canada...or atleast he tried to. For those of you old enough to remember the year 1980 he was a distance runner and a cancer survivor. He had lost his leg to the disease and long before there was a bracelet color and official event for the many forms of cancer that take lives daily he ran across the country to raise awareness of the disease. He died before he could complete his journey but his compelling story made him famous worldwide. As I was channel surfing through the guide this morning over my first cup of coffee I came across a show called "30 for 30". Ofcourse, it caught my interest given my current involvement in a challenge by the same name. It wasn't a show about crossfit at all...it was a documentary on Terry Fox. I had been running for just a year at the time of his death and he became my first running hero. Being an asthmatic was a big part of my running story, overcoming sickness to become an elite runner. Stories of athletes overcoming physical challenges and achieving athletic success have always intrigued me. I had never been really good at anything before running so I read everything I could about running, runners, and all things related to running. That someone as young and fit as Terry Fox could die of cancer was scary in 1980...it is scary now as my list of loved ones (and famous personalities) affected by cancer has grown expoenetially so of course when I cam across the show this morning, I had no choice, in my sugar and processed carbohydrate deprived state to attach meaning to it. Why, afterall, would I see it on this day? The coincidence seemed well...big...but not that big...I didn't watch the show. I was feeling under the weather so instead I watched "The Vow" which has no relevence what so ever to this post except that the main charcacter, a girl who loses her memory, finds her way right back to where she was when she lost it. Her life worked out just like it was supposed to...she got back to the life she had been living at the time she lost her memory. A true "chick flick", it is based on a true story....and that did get to me.
I am a really good coach. I don't say that to brag but I am a good motivator and I know how to make people run fast...especially female distance runners. I have a gift of taking uncertain runners and transforming them into confident successful runners. I miss it...painfully somtimes.....so Terry Fox.. The Vow...looking back on my old life and wondering if I will ever get it back....and feeling sick with this cold...and really wanting to eat that Honey Bun in the kitchen made for a less than happy start to Day Four. All this self reflection...all this thinking...bah...I ate another of my now famous (well to me anyway) omelets and set about the tasks of the day...I had to get busy...laundry...children...clutter.
When I was at Dimond Hill Farm later getting veggies I asked about those ginourmous eggs I have been eating...come to find out...they are DUCK eggs....yup...here I was imagining this chicken with a baratone chirp and really I was eating duck eggs. (thruth be told I was a little embarrassed). After that I went to Hannafords. I usually shop at Ghetto Basket downtown but Hannafords has a better selection of organic foods, nuts, and meat. It seemed to make sense. I hate the gorcery store, I hate cooking, I hate all that goes along with it. We have been through this and in my sad state of mind I was really struggling. I came home, made a big bowl of trail mix and carried on with my day. I bought enough chicken and pork for the week and baked that in the oven. We had turkey burgers for dinner with corn and green beans. My requisite shakes and some grapes have left me nutritionally satisfied for another day. I have succeeded in completing four days of healthful eating. But I am still sad...and although I have steadfastly clung to my assertation and proclamations of havng no issues with food I have to admit a giant bowl of butter crunch ice cream would really make me feel better right now. Or a sleeve of Fig Newtons and a tall glass of milk, or maybe just a bowl of Cheerios...all of those things would make me feel better...carbs...comfort foods...sugar...give me some seratonin...a little dopamine release...
My big realization, after all of this sadness and cooking is that what I have saved myself from all of these years by leaving "fast barb" at track practice and not bringing "in the gym barb" out of the gym is that I have given myself the ultimate shield for failure. I have a lifetime excuse...well I could have run faster if I was healthy, I could lift that weight is I was younger...so did Terry Fox fail becasue his effort to traverse Canada was cut short? Is the woman from the vow happier now than she would have been had she never lost her memory? Had I not lost my old life would I have come to find White Mountain Crossfit and Robyn Grant and Flipz? If I adhere to this challenge and don't improve in the gym will I be a failure? Does it matter? Ahhhh...enough...I am going to bed....on to day five!
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